


Life.

by hohoemi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Castiel (Supernatural), Bottom Dean Winchester, Carpenter Castiel (Supernatural), Domestic, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, F/M, Feelings, First Time, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, Regret, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-21 08:26:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30018936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hohoemi/pseuds/hohoemi
Summary: Later in a random diner, they talked about everything. About the final fight, about what happened to Cas in the empty, about Jack getting him out, about how disoriented Dean felt after Cas dropped the bomb of their shiny new „monsterless world“. Well, not counting the human monsters. Cas asks what Dean would like to do with his life now, who in response just smiles and looks intensly at him. „Oh I got an idea.“The "unofficial sequel" to slashys fabulous ficstarting the living againand so to speak another fixit fic. Yasss I'm still sad because of the series finale. Sigh.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Kudos: 10





	1. A comfortable amount of time

**Author's Note:**

> Probably the beginning of this fic isn't making much sense to you until you read slashys fabulous fic [starting the living again](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27713302/chapters/67827685), because it's a sequel ... somehow! How did that happen? Not sure. :) I'm just obsessed with slashys wonderful fic and started imagining how the story could go on. 
> 
> "Life." starts after the [5th chapter of slashys](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27713302/chapters/69005319) fic.  
> I'm not sure if I can live up to the standard set by slashy and maybe it's a bit strange, that it came out as a fic rated as explicit (sorry not sorry I guess o_o ?) @ slashy if you are disappointed with what I did here, please ignore me and I'm sorry u_u ...
> 
> This is my first fanfic on AO3, let me know if I do something wrong with all the tagging and stuff. I'm also not so sure if it's a great idea not to write in my mother tongue ... so if I'm writing rubbish, please give me constructive feedback - I appreciate it, really.
> 
> Have fun and keep your chin up - we can make our own finale. Obviously.

While Dean was driving and searching for a diner, both of them were strangely smirking and didn't exactly know what to say. Deans heart was racing and he glanced over to Cas every 5 minutes, who too still was smiling. „Like teenagers“ he thought and grinned even more. It finally started to taste like a happy-end.  
  
\--  
  
Later in a random diner, they talked about everything. About the final fight, about what happened to Cas in the empty, about Jack getting him out, about how disoriented Dean felt after Cas dropped the bomb of their shiny new „monsterless world“. Well, not counting the human monsters. Cas asks what Dean would like to do with his life now, who in response just smiles and looks intensely at him. „Oh I got an idea.“  
  
Cas nods, laughs without a sound and looks down to the waffle in front of him. Dean observes him and feels like the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders. Thinking that the first time in his life something seems to be working out. He looks in Cas eyes noticing how light blue they are. A shade the dimmed light of the bunker usually swallows and won't give back. One of the many reasons why he secretly liked it very much to go for a case with Cas, which happened too less. Him nearby, dailight, the road.  
  
„Promising prospects at the annual job fair“ suddenly catches his gaze while he finishes his eggs and bacon. An adverts headline in the newspaper at a table nearby.  
  
„Yeah, apart from that no idea. Maybe getting a job on a construction site. Have not much of a degree, dropped out of highschool. Do you want the waffles?“ After Cas shaked his head, Dean pulls the plate in front him and dips the fork disencouraged in them. He didn't want to think about that now and his mood darkens.  
  
„And you?“ he asks.  
  
„Well … Jack probably calls from time to time. I guess I will be consulting once in a while. My soldier days are over and I feel that's ok. But mostly it's equivalent to you. Not much of an idea.“  
  
Silence stretches and reality slowly arrives till Cas concludes „But it's nice to know you have a home and someone you return to from whatever you are doing.“ He looks to Dean with certainty and a soft smile.  
  
„But it's okay to have a vacation from all that for now, I guess.“ Cas says, „At least for a comfortable amount of time.“  
  
To which Dean responds „Hell, yes!“ and finally smiles again.

  
\--  
  


They went back to the bunker, talking, completing unfinished storys they missed till the evening. Before Eileen and Sam arrive, they collapse against each other exchanging kisses at the map table. They dare to repeat, to try more, to kiss longer. Just lips, all nice, short and sweet. Then some shy and careful tries of Dean to suck a bit on Cas lower lip and to tease him a bit with his tongue. Though Dean swears he could hear his own heart beating in excitement, it's easier every time they feel each other. His hands are sweaty and even if he wants it so much, he doesn't dare to touch Cas, to draw him closer, to feel his body, so his hands are resting at the table behind. They part and look at each other, speechless until both of them laugh sillily. Just as Cas wants to say „I can't believe ...“, the bunker door opens with a metallic screeching and Eileen and Sam appear.  
  
Seeing the both standing so close to each other gives them a small hint at what was happening before they arrived. While Dean made a comical „Aw, cat's out“-face and gesture, Cas wipes with his palm over his face in an attempt to hide that he is blushing. He goes away, changes suddenly the direction, looks awfully confused and embarrassed while Dean enjoys the show amusedly.  
  
Cas gives him a look and says stuttering „May … , should I ... what was it, that I wanted to do?“ Dean cleared his throat, giving Eileen and Sam a priceless smirk, asking „You hungry? Maybe we make dinner. How's that sound?“ grips a too obviously embarrassed Cas by his shoulder and disappears with him in one of the corridors not even waiting for the answer. Sam and Eileen exchange glances as she states dryly „So they got their shit together.“  
Sam nods. „Yeah finally.“  
„Cute.“ she adds.

  
\--  
  


During dinner Sam gives them amused glances, Dean cannot overlook while Cas acts as he would like to be invisible. If Eileen asks him anything, he responds suspiciously monosyllabic while Deans smirking is nearly offensive. From time to time Sam tries to communicate with him mutely with vague facial expressions and gestures towards Cas, when he turns his back at them. It is like a pantomime that swallows every chance to a serious conversation. Eileen is thrilled to observe these sillies running in circles and finally bends slightly towards Cas, saying „I'm happy for you two.“  
  
Silence. Cas wanted to say something, stops, looks to Dean, looks to Sam, who says immediately „Me too. Very much.“ Cas and Dean say simultaneously „Thanks“. Cas quietly, Dean with much self-confidence. They look at each other, hoping that their aura as a new attraction to gossip in the bunker would fade now and Dean grins.  
  
„Damn. Feels like a fucking romcom, guys. Cool down“ he wipes his mouth with a paper towel, crunches it in his fist and drops it to the table.  
  
„Yeah, now I can finally stop dissecting your feelings with you. You can just do your thing now and finally be happy.“ Sam exclaims with relief.  
  
He touches Cas shoulder to get his attention, then points to Dean. „You have no idea how disrupted he has been after he finally told me about your confession and how exactly you died. He was SO insecure and guilty. AND you have no idea how heartbroken he was after Lucifer offed you that time right when Jack was born. My GOD. Dean literally was suicidal. Not joking.“  
  
Dean choked on his food, coughing, while Cas says with a shocked expression on his face „He was? I had no idea.“ while patting Deans back.  
  
Eileen laughs until Dean says „Enough now“, still coughing, then getting a grip on himself. Cas waits some minutes, then asks inquisitively  
  
„How heartbroken exactly?“ and all start speaking or laughing simulteanously, just Dean is still not amused.  
  
Cas observes them, laughs and smiles softly.  
His family. He never felt this happy in his life. It was true bliss. The mood, the happy faces, the talking, happy-go-lucky laughing without any danger or life-threatining crisis on the horizon. 

  
\--  
  


He had no idea, that the happiness he felt that day during his confession could even increase.  
  
Whenever he looked at Dean in the past decade since that day he raised him from perdition, a warm feeling and a shiver spread in his chest. It came with an unsettling nervousness, with craving for being acknowledged and noticed and a certain expectation that again and again fell into dark emptiness when they were apart.  
  
To notice it is one thing, to name it another. Knowing himself so less felt like a punishment, like waking-up and realizing that his existence was lacking something fundamental. It was easy to declare it as an unwanted side effect of sticking around humans. Over time he noticed, that it was depending much on Dean. Of course on Sam too. But with Dean it was different.  
  
  
It took him a while to identify this as love.  
  
Not as brotherly love or the love between best friends. Now, they were sitting here and he knew that Dean looked at him like he looked at him for years now. It may had been love all the time, even in the way Cas didn't dare to hope for.  
  
It's nearly an epic joke, that they didn't get here sooner. All that time. The expectations and secret desires made the last twelve years feel so much longer than the hundreds of years he called his existence before.  
  
But it doesn't matter.  
Finally it happens.  
He is nearly overwhelmed by all of this and unable to speak. Just listening to and looking at the family, he somehow belonged to for a while, but just now really feels and fathoms.


	2. Nothing else matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is so close. It was even easier to face the apocalypse or so it seems to him at that moment.  
> He has no idea where to put his hands. When to kiss him. But until now nothing seems to be wrong.  
> 

As Dean enters his room after dinner, he finds no Cas. He sneaked away when Dean was arguing with Sam who repeatedly embarassed everyone with tales from Deans emotional struggles, first dates, strange bromancy-situations with Cas and as Sam says that he always predicted that „Destiel“ is going to happen, Dean has enough and bails while Eileen has the time of her life. As soon as Dean was out of the room, he even heard Sam saying „Do you ship 'Destiel'?“  
  
He went to Cas' room, found him there laying on the bed. Back to bed-head, reading some fat phone book sized novel again. Cas is still wearing his button-down-shirt, tie and pants. Only got rid of the trenchcoat and shoes, but still looks more relaxed than yesterday.  
  
„Hey, watcha doing?“ he asks, leaning in the door frame.  
Cas gives him a soft smile and waves with the book. It's like something melts in Dean when he smiles like that.  
„What is it? Is it good?“  
„David Copperfield. Very good.“ answers Cas.  
Dean frowns, „And I thought that's a magician!?“  
„Yeah, but it appears it was first the name of the protagonist of this book. Charles Dickens wrote it.“  
Sam passes in the corridor, saying „Great book.“ Dean rolls his eyes.  
„Why is everyone around me a nerd?“  
„Obviously you attract nerds.“ Cas says smiling. How could he always emanate such a calm? That or deeply frowning concern.  
„Oh, yeah!? Joking, hm? That's new.“ and grins. „May I come in?“  
  
„Sure.“ Dean enters the room and jumps at the bed next to Cas, springs screeching. Dean never noticed how seldom Cas smiled before. Before all of that.  
  
He stretches comfortably while looking at him. „Why are you chilling here?“  
„Well, it's my room, isn't it?“ answers Cas with a playful determination.  
Dean looks at him more seriously now. Silence stretches until Cas says „I had the impression that it was somehow unnatural that I stayed in your room yesterday. The atmosphere seemeed to be a bit tense and I didn't want to push it to much.“ Dean gives him a surprised look.  
„Nah, I think that's just because we hadn't the time to … talk. There was a lot of unspoken truths and stuff. And I was very drunk.“ he paused.  
„But in general yeah, it's okay to spend a bit time on our own. But ...“  
„But?“  
„But now that we talked, well … . You are right. People that love each other, usually share a bed. If one's not snorring like a bear. Aaaaand ...“ he pauses again with a meaningful look in his face.  
Cas laughs, wipes again with his hand over his mouth expecting something. Dean never noticed this gesture before. It was a nice surprise. Is this Cas being nervous?  
  
„And?“ Cas asks.  
„And I would like us to stay together. Tonight. To share a bed?“ Dean says, getting pretty nervous.  
He feels as if ants are riding through his stomach. He hadn't that for a while. As he realizes this, he clears his throat and tries to look super-seriously at Cas and adds „I..if you would like that, too.“  
„You can be very sweet.“ says Cas, leaving Dean surprised.  
„Sweet is not exactly what I am.“  
„No?“  
„No! I'm hitting on you in a very manly fashion.“ Dean gives him a wide grin, Cas laughs, nodding.  
„Yeah, I would like to share the bed with you.“  
Sam passes the room again, saying „Oh wow. Guess I better walk faster.“  
„Yeah, you should!“ Dean exclaims. „So … your room or mine?“

\--

They decided for Deans room and watching a bit Netflix to get rid of the rising tension. That they would probably make out, even have sex or that simply something would happen, stood like an elephant in the room. The comedic interlude of Cas' consequent questions about the show loosened the atmosphere in the probably best way.  
  
„Whats with this town in germany … I don't get that. It's always raining there.“ Cas asks.  
„That's what upsets you!? I'm more distressed because that one woman is her own grandma or … whatever.“ Dean pauses before the next episode of „Dark“ starts and glances at Cas.  
„I just noticed how seldom you had reason to smile or laugh the last years and I feel bad. It was too less occasion to smile and I could have made it better.“  
Cas sits straight, meeting Deans gaze. Pausing for a moment.  
Then finally says „There's no need to be.“ This time he makes the first step and slowly and gently presses his lips on Deans. Cas' lips are soft, his beard stubble the complete opposite.  
  
Dean bends over to him, intensifiying the kiss, using his tongue and hears his heart beating and blood rushing. Deans hands are trailing over Cas arm, neck, back. They part after minutes and look each other in the eyes. It is different now than in the impala. Their breaths warm, their kisses becoming more and more eager.  
  
„Is it ok if I undress you?“ Dean says and swallows noticeably.  
At once he regrets his choice of words. Nevertheless it ignites something.  
„You are very careful with me.“ says Cas a bit driley.  
  
He doesn't want to be treated like a delicate flower. He was a soldier and even if not visible he took many scars, injuries and even deaths without being scared. On the other hand it is nice to see Dean Winchester caring and gentle. And most of all this careful with him. While something in Cas shifts, he remembers Dean of the night they met. In that barn with his intense stare, like he could directly look into Dean. Like he did now. Dean clears his throat.  
  
„I don't want to do anything that you don't like.“ he whispers.  
Suddenly Cas gets up, kneeling on the bed in front of Dean. Getting rid of the tie.  
He looks down to Dean with more self-confidence as he too gets up. „Woah … showtime“ he thinks, feeling excited.  
  
He looks at Cas - slightly tanned skin, dark nippels appearing under the shirt he unbuttons, muskular in all the right places, but not too muscular.  
This small outburst of self-confidence is sexy. Dean suddenly feels like he moves in slow-mo, like he couldn't keep up.  
  
It felt a bit surreal. Yesterday he was silently complaining that he couldn't exactly picture it, the two of them, doing it. It seemed nearly too easy now. Like a perfect movie moment or like the two of them knew exactly what they were going to do.  
  
Which isn't true. Some days ago he decided not to overthink and just let things happen between the two of them. The last time he was overthinking he nearly messed up.  
Seeing Cas hands trembling a bit while unbuttoning his shirt, he thinks to himself „Ah - not too easy. It's still Cas.“ Dean takes a deep breath and draws him in a kiss.

\--

Cas touches Deans bizeps, grips him comfortably tight. Compared to their first kisses in the impala, it seemed like the both of them were playing the same tune now, share the same rhythm.  
  
Their tongues are playing with each other. Dean feels hot, strips Cas off his shirt, gets rid of his own.  
  
They were skin on skin, naked, only millimeters between them. Sometimes they froze, gazing at each other with a silent question in their look, that seems to say „Could I dare to … .“  
  
Dean would have never imagined it like this, this hot. Cas was more daring than he thought, even if he looks nervous in between kisses.  
Their hands are tightly trailing over their backs, their necks, their chest. He feels Cas hand on his hunter tattoo, moving slowly and tenderly down to his loin, warm and suddenly trembling.  
  
Cas looks mesmerized, like he is highly focused. He stops him and looks at him, softly cupping his hands around Cas face.  
„We don't need to do it, you know. Only if you really want to.“ he says.  
Cas glances at him, hushed.  
„You … as a human, you had sex, right?“  
Cas nods.  
„And … did you like it?“  
„Yes, I did. And I want it. I want to do it with you.“  
He looks at him, impossible blue eyes. Have they ever been this blue? These lips. His voice. There again – ants riding through Deans body.  
This gets him more than he thought and more than he allowed before. Have they ever been this close all these years? Cas probably has no idea what he causes in Dean. Or alone which effect these words have on him.  
  
„But I … have no experience with men.“ he says and Deans hears how nervous he is, his voice more rough than usual.  
„Me neither.“ says Dean.  
„Yeah, I know the theory, well.“ he smirks awkwardly to lighten up.  
„So ...“, he pauses, „it's not like anything could go wrong. As long as we tell each other what we like or not like, right?“  
Cas nods and adds silently „I don't have much experience, I don't want to disappoint you.“  
Suddenly Cas looks like he has to shoulder the problems of the whole world. In an attempt to escape the attention, he looks down.  
To Dean it looks somehow adorable, even if he keeps this to himself.  
Especially regarding the fact they really had to shoulder the trouble of the whole planet in the past. Compared to that this is nothing. It's just them. Everything will be fine.  
  
„That doesn't matter here.“ Dean says, lowering his head to meet Cas' gaze.  
„You cannot disappoint me. And by the way I don't want to disappoint you either. Okay?“  
Cas face brightens.  
„Let's just keep in mind … that we can practice a lot from now on.“ Dean smirks goofyly and makes Cas smile and ease up.

\--

Every touch of Dean sends a shiver through Cas. Like an electric charge. Not hurting, but stimulating.  
Dean is so close. It was even easier to face the apocalypse or so it seems to him at that moment.  
He has no idea where to put his hands. When to kiss him. But until now nothing seems to be wrong.  
It overwhelms him, that it is really happening. How careful Dean touches him, how slowly they discover each others body.  
Kisses, touching, feeling him, feeling to be wanted. Sometimes he freezes, just looking at him, closes his eyes, asks himself if Dean will still be there, when he opens them.  
  
Dean gazes at him, kisses him and whispers „Angel of thursday, hm? Been to hell and purgatory and the empty and back“ in between while putting small kisses from Cas' throat to his chest to distract him from his own nervousness, comfort him.  
  
Cas closes his eyes, breathing faster, enjoying what's happening and Dean notices it. He did it usually with woman, would it be strange to do it now? Dean kisses and nibbles one of Cas nipples, as he suddenly pulls away.  
  
„Not good?“ Dean asks surprised and worried.  
But then notices the red face. And the hard-on in Cas trousers.  
There it is again - wiping his face to cover his embarassment.  
Seems like the question if Cas could be aroused and can feel arousel is answered.  
Dean draws him closer, touches Cas' hard cock through his pants.  
He looks surprised at Dean. They kiss again until Cas repeats Deans behaviour out of helplessness, not knowing what is okay, what feels good for Dean.  
Dean feels Cas stubble at his throat, his chest, his nipple. And he feels the pressure in his trousers rising.

\--

Hands are everywhere, their kisses get hungrier, faster. With some silent gaze and a gesture they are agreeing on getting lost of their pants.  
  
Both are blushing. Deans looks at Cas, naked, hard cock.  
He feels funny and his thoughts are circling somewhere between „Well he's big, but not bigger than mine“, „I am really doing it with a man. Who would have thought that?“ and “What a handsome guy he is“.  
Their stiff cocks are hanging between them in the air like flagpoles.  
Compared to the time before ten years they aged a bit. Even Cas' vessel.  
Nevertheless Dean feels more excited about what's going to happen than he would have imagined and surprisingly at ease by the prospect of sleeping with a man.  
No, not a man. Cas.  
  
Cas gaze is somewhere between mesmerized and insecure.  
  
„A penny for his thoughts“ he thinks, but says „You are beautiful“ and swallows hard.  
One second he thinks he's gonna win a prize for the most corny-romcomy-line. In the next he thinks „but he is“.  
Cas' face brightens a bit. He opens his mouth, closes it, wanting to say something, but seemed to be too overwhelmed to actually do.  
  
His hand is still gripping his pants tight as if he needs to hold onto something.  
So Dean makes the first step, touches Cas loin tenderly. Their gaze still meets as if as part of a game - who turns away looses.  
He moves his hands gently over Cas back, down to his ass, to his crotch, strokes Cas' hard cock, who suddenly puts his forehead on Deans shoulder and hides his face with his palm like a child who hopes not to be seen while doing something forbidden.  
  
„No, no, no“, says Dean and laughs.  
Cas is steadily shifting between passionate and insecure, attractive as hell in one moment, adorably helpless the next.  
He puts a hand in his neck and makes him meet his eyes. „Time to be embarassed is over“, he says and Cas freezes, gazing at him.  
„We are already naked. Do whatever you want. If you have to moan, moan. If you're gonna come, do it. I want you. I want you to want me. To do whatever you want. With me.“  
Cas swallows, blushes noticeably and his hands are trailing slowly down to Deans cock, stroking him.  
The spell is broken again. They share longing, long kisses and after a minute, moan whithout shame, pressing their foreheads together, their hot breaths are caressing their faces. Their movements intensify. Cas isn't just repeating Deans actions anymore, he's getting playful, gripping tighter, getting faster, exactly as if he could feel what drives Dean. Maybe he can? Dean nearly cannot think anymore.

\--

He wants to pleasure Cas. He wants to make up for how he treated him. How natural all his sacrifices, actions and even presence was to him.  
Dean knew what he likes and if Cas works even the slightest bit similar to Dean, then he knows how to make him feel really good.  
  
„Lay down“ he whispers in Cas' ear.  
All happens very fast.  
  
Dean leaves kisses on Cas' chest, stomach, over the tattoo, down to his crotch.  
„Dean, you, you don't need to do that.“ Panic rises in the room as Cas notices things are getting serious.  
„But I want to. I want to make you feel good.  
And he wants to hear his sounds, wants to see his face in arousel. Then looks to Cas again, rushed, worried, „If you don't like it, I'll stop.“  
Cas nods. „I like it, but … are you sure you are going to like it?“  
„I wouldn't do it otherwise. Relax.“  
  
Cas freezes as Dean takes his cock in his mouth.  
To Dean it tastes … indefinable. Warm. Flesh-y somehow? Salty?  
After that Dean doesn't think anymore. He just does. Does what he would like, what would drive him mad with lust.  
  
He never did that to a man and when he thought about having sex with a man, he would have enjoyed more to be given the blowjob.  
But as soon as he got the idea that he wants to do it to Cas, it's just inevitable, pure curiosity on the border to passion.  
  
As his face goes up and down in Cas crotch, he catches some glances at Cas' face.  
He notices how he is less and less capable to contain himself, to suppress moaning.  
  
His face is priceless. Mouth opened just a bit in an expression of sweet arousal. It's pure bliss. Dean is already on the verge of coming himself as he feels Cas shivering and his cock throbbing. He makes him come and pulls away. Dean bends over Cas, who grabs him. They are chest to chest and he is shivering and moaning. His hands are grabbing Deans back so firmly he thinks he will leave bruises. Damn, he is strong. But he encourages it, embraces him tight, feels his body close and warm. If he could draw him even closer he would. After he stops shivering, they part and look at each other, Cas breathless.  
  
Did Dean just imagine this or did he really saw some veins shining brightly on Cas face and chest?  
They look at each other, exhausted, pausing, waiting, Cas overwhelmed, finally he laughs.  
„Felt good?“ Dean asks.  
Cas whispers „Very. I never … I never felt like this before. It was incredible.“  
Dean sighs with relieve, pressing a kiss to Cas cheek.  
Dean graps a towel and wipes the angel cum away. „Funny“ he says, „not even sparkling or something.“ Giving Cas a goofy grin, who smiles calmly and looks intensely at him likes he's plotting something. He smacks his lips and kisses him. Dean wanted to warn him, tell him what he recently had in his mouth, but obviously Cas doesn't care. He resumes stroking Deans cock, whispering „Let me do that to you too.“  
  
Dean smiles softly, „Uuuh, that's … . That's hot. It really is, ...“ he stares at Cas' mouth, images are flashing through his mind instantly, he hesitates. „But maybe … .“  
„Yes?“  
„Would it be okay if we save that for later? Theres is something I would like to … if you too want it … .“  
„What's that?“ asks Cas, interrupting Dean.  
„Well … .“ Suddenly he feels like it's his first time.  
He is nervous, aroused, thinks that he is asking for to much, but so eager to get what he wants so desperately now.  
  
Cas clearly doesn't understand, tilts his head, frowns as they look at each other.  
Dean blinks, „You know … “ and makes some gestures and facial expressions that doesn't tell Cas anything.  
„So you want penetration? That's it?“ asks Cas with the questioning look of his like he had to decipher a difficult phrase.  
That look. This choice of words. Priceless. Dean laughs.  
„Yes, I would like to … _fuck_ you. But just if you want me to. We have all the time in ..“  
„Yes.“ says Cas promptly.  
Still with this serious look on his face. Dean is mesmerized.  
He gives him a surprised look, asking doubtfully „Yes?“  
They gaze at each other, Cas gets closer to Deans ear, whispers „Yes, _fuck_ me, Dean.“

\--

They silently shift position as Dean suddenly gets incredibly nervous.  
Sex wasn't making him nervous for a long time, but tonight it did.  
He digs through his bedside table and finds some massage oil which has to do instead of lubricant.  
Cas asks if he should turn over and Dean looks at him, saying „Nooo ..., I mean - I'd like to see your face.“  
Cas gives him a look, grinning the slightest bit.  
Not that Cas is the most experienced, but this is really sweet. And he can feel in the air around Dean how nervous he is now as if their feelings and positions switched.  
Cas is completely opposite. He got the impression that he is safe now, that nothing is embarassing and everything okay since Dean did that for him.

\--

Dean bends over Cas, grabs his legs carefully and pulls him gently closer to him while looking at him slowly.  
He slowly pushes into him. Further and a bit further. It feels uncomfortable. Tight, rough. They readjust several times. Dean feels incredibly insecure and nearly thinks he's going to loose it.  
That this cannot feel good for Cas and he's doing it wrong. Doubts are torturing him and he avoids looking at Cas, thinking that he surely senses that something is wrong.  
That it doesn't work out. Isn't it working out? He feels like he is looking from somewhere else at them and disconnects from the situation.  
  
Cas notices Deans mood. It's as if a dark cloud hangs suddenly over Deans head.  
He caresses and grips Deans loins, to make him look in his eyes again. Hoping that he would forget whatever troubles him.  
And as Cas looks at him, soft and assuring, with a subtle, kind smile, loving eyes, it 's nearly magnetic.  
Whenever Cas had this expression, Dean felt trapped. Perceived. How does he do that, thinks Dean.  
Sometimes he emanates something angelic. Angelic as in all the corny movies and shows.  
Where is his freakin' halo?  
  
Dean looks mesmerized at Cas, who whispers „it's okay“, who brings Dean back.  
He moves more and pulls Dean even closer with his legs around Deans hips.  
He just feels so much suddenly. Feels Cas again, his skin under his fingertips. They start to share a rhythm and Cas caresses Deans thighs. This one simple touch is like a signal fire. Dean pushes gently in Cas, slightly faster and leans over him, gaze still locked at each other.  
It's feeling less and less unnatural. Dean asks whispering if it feels ok?  
„Yes. You?“ he asks, Dean just nods, not capable of holding back much longer and dares to go a bit faster.  
„I'm not going to fuck this up“ he says to himself and starts stroking Cas with one hand, gaze locked, the other hand next to Cas face to firm himself. His eyes. Trapped.  
  
Cas embraces Deans hips with his legs, moves with him with more determination, faster, stronger.  
It shifts, it works, like they are melting together in one.  
Dean couldn't distinguish where he ends, where Cas begins. His crotch, his stomach is prickling, it is tight and hot, and it drives him mad. The anxiety to fuck up, that increased just moments ago so fast is now arousel that feels like it's going to take over his body.  
  
He looks at Cas face, his closed eyes, hears him moan once in a while, his mouth parted in arousel, sweating, looking gourgous. All the parts of his body Dean kissed and licked today - it adds to his stimulus. Seeing that Cas enjoys it pushes him even more. To be wanted, to want someone, love, understanding, attraction, someone that cares, comforts, pleasures him, he is overwhelmed. A strange warmth spreads on his chest, his face, his whole body prickles. He is going faster, he is going to come.  
  
Looking at Cas for confirmation, for anything and bends over him as far as he can, embraces him, feels his warm body and how he grips his hands in his hair and his back.  
They are so close, Cas just nods and Dean pushes in him harder and faster as to his relieve he feels Cas cock throb too.  
As the shivering starts, Dean pulls out, comes with a loud groan.  
Cas comes silently, but his body shivers heavily.  
Dean just notices something bright, Cas 'eyes closed, mouth opened in a hushed moan.  
Both fall against each other and grip one another tight. It's like time stops, the only sound in the room are their fast breaths and moans.

\--

As their torsos stop shivering, they still rest on each other, arms slung around each others body.  
No one dares to make a sound as the moment lingers, they feel each other, their warmth, their heavy breathing, their hearts racing and sweat at each others skin. Cas caresses Deans back and tries to look at him. But Deans head is burried in the space between Cas' shoulder and throat, head turned away from him.  
  
„Dean?“ Cas shifts, tries to look at him.  
„Dean, is everything alright?“ Dean hears the panic in Cas voice and looks up to him. Eyes watery in tears. He wipes over his face.  
„I'm usually not the type to cry after sex. I really never did.“  
Cas caresses Deans shoulder, holds his face, looks at him saying „Is it .. because you are sad? Did I do something wrong?“  
„No, no .. I'm not sad“ he says, laughing and breathing heavily.  
„And you did nothing wrong. No, I, I just … I could have lost you. I … .“ he says with a leveled voice, still trying to avoid crying.  
Embarassment and the effort to swallow tears reddens his face. He can't stand Cas look - that he sees him like this.  
It's easier to hide in an embrace again and he whispers in Cas ear „I love you. I love you. I love you so damn much. I … I always thought that there is something between us. But I … fuck … I ... It's been over a decade. We lost so much time, man. Why couldn't I ...“  
As some tears roll over his face, Castiel caresses Deans back, presses a kiss on his cheek and gently brushes through Deans hair. It moves him how vulnerable Dean suddenly looks.

„It's okay. Everything is okay. We are here now. Everything is allright.“ he says, caresses Deans face and hugs him again, holds him as close as he can.  
His weight is heavy on Castiel. His hand lays still on Deans head, gripped in his hair and he smells anxiety and love, hears his breaths, his weight and feels blessed.  
To be shown love. Intimacy. He never felt so at peace with the world, if he could just make Dean understand that it only counts that they are now finally here, together.  
Nothing else matters. It takes some more minutes until Dean finally relaxes and draws away.  
  
He looks embarassed, clears his throat and says „Sorry.“  
„No need to be.“ Cas says and smiles gently. „So this is it … .“  
„What?“ asks Dean.  
„What Dean Winchester really feels.“  
„Yeah I ...“  
„No, don't!“ says Cas hastily, with a firm and serious look.  
„What do you mean?“  
„Don't relativize it.“ says Cas while carassing Deans face.  
They are laying next to each other, looking each other in the eyes.  
Dean pauses speechless, studies Cas face, understands, nods.  
„Must be angel qualities“ he whispers, thinking that these blue eyes may truely looked all the time right into him.  
  
„Yeah.“ he sighs. „I … I had a moment in which I thought … that's it. And I … nearly let it slip away. It's stupid. Now it looks so easy. To say it. Love. I love you. Why was it so hard all that time?“  
Cas puts a nice and gentle kiss on Deans mouth. Now that they both dared to show each other their weak points, they seem to be even.  
  
„Because it is“ Cas says.  
Such a simple sentence, with such a bitter weight. Like an echo Dean hears himself say „Why does this sound like a goodbye?“ and sees the room that night.  
When Castiel confessed, he had a hard time to process what he was saying about the deal, the empty, about Dean and when he finally realized what Cas was telling him, he thought „Now it's finally happening“. And as fast as it happened, it was suddenly over. Cas gone, the chance missed, expectations and relief died instantly – all that's left nothing but regret. How much he hated himself for not getting it earlier, saying just anything. He looks at Cas, says „I love you“ once more. Cas smiles. „I love you, too.“  
  
\-- After a moment Dean snaps out of his hypnotic state, deeply inhales and says „Sooo … how was it? For you? Did you … did you like it?“  
Cas just looks at Dean expressionless.  
„Come on, don't do that to me, Cas! I really got the impression you liked it judging from moaning and orgasms and …! You know!“  
Cas grins and nods. „It was really good.“ he says and both laugh wholeheartedly.  
„It was … unusual. It was an overwhelming feeling you … well, inside.“ says Cas giving him a look.  
It just needs the word „inside“ to turn Dean on again.  
  
„I have no fitting words for it. I never thought it could be like this. Overwhelming. And … so good. And for you?“  
„It was awesome“ Dean says promptly, laughing. „It was really good, man. But at first, yes, I .. I had no idea if you like it or if I'm doing wrong. I thought I mess up and was … dunno ... scared I guess. Or that I hurt you. Can I hurt you!? Did it hurt?“  
Cas shakes his head.  
„Phew.“ Dean sighs. They smile at each other. „Did you know, that you are glowing, when you come? 'S that an angel feature?“  
„I do? … I had no idea.“ says Cas. „Anything else I should know?“  
„Dunno“ he pauses, brushing with his hand through his hair and looking like a huge weight just lifted from his shoulders as he stretches comfortably next to Cas.  
„Was I … was it strange? Did I do anything strange?“ asks Cas, looking worried.  
Dean snorts and turns around, so that he lays half on Cas again, their faces near each others.  
„You've been awesome.“ Cas tries but cannot suppress grinning and looks content.  
„You don't know what you do to me. I mean your face, when you are horny. Ah, priceless.“  
Cas gives him an insecure questioning look. „Looking good I mean“ explains Dean and they freeze again smiling at each other.  
„Oh, don't give me these puppy eyes.“ Cas blushes and they keep laughing, simply happy.  
„But“ says Dean and clears his throat, „I'm afraid we have to clean up a bit.“  
„A bit messy, hm? You know I could zap it … away.“  
„Seriously? Where does it go? Heaven?“  
Cas snorts. „Well, that would be awkward. I wouldn't know how to explain that.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it so far. Feel free to leave some comments about what you expected, what not and what you liked. And if I wrote some garbage, misused figures of speech, please let me know ^^' Somehow I have a hard time formatting and have the impression that its' probably hard to read this way. Let me know what you think about that. I'm more used to working with tabs as indentation in paragraphs. 
> 
> BTW my secret quirk is to make Cas read books I like. There will be at least one more. ^.^


	3. But hiking is boring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „So … forever, Dean?“  
> Dean pauses, looks around him and says more dryly than he intended to „Ah, I forgot. You'll probably survive me, hm?“  
> That talk wasn't at all what Cas wanted to bring up. He was simply happy Dean came up with „forever“ on his own. And he explains it exactly like this, adding „Forever can be a concept. If you want to. But its' also a long time. Maybe we shouldn't talk about this right now.“  
> 

Dean wakes up nearly explosively with a loud snore and suddenly shifts his head. He finds himself laying half next to, half on Cas' torso, one arm around him, one of Cas arms around his loin. Deans drool was dripping on Cas bare chest and left small, white, half dried traces. As far as Dean can see in the sparse light Cas eyes are closed and he looks peaceful. Maybe he meditates, thinks Dean still sleepy and dizzy. They're still naked and he looks up and down at them. „Ow my“ he whispers, licks his lips and mouthes the words „it happened, it really happened.“  
  
Images are flashing through his mind. Images of him trailing wet kisses over Cas stomach down to his crotch. Nearly he feels Cas grip on his neck and back and his lips like a phantom pain, feeling so good. Dean swallows, his tongue is thick, his throat dry. More as an excuse to touch him, he wipes the drool on Cas' chest slowly away, as he suddenly moves and whispers „You know I'm not really sleeping?“  
  
„And you let me drool onto you? That must be love.“  
Dean smiles goofyly, while he reaches over Cas to light the lamp on the other bedside table and watches him slowly open his eyes as if he is waking up from a hundred years of sleep.  
„That weren't the first and maybe not the last bodily fluids we're exchanging, I guess.“  
Dean frowns „Well, you make it sound dirty.“ As Cas bends over and wants to kiss him, Dean mumbles something about morning breath, but they kiss nonetheless. 

\--

While Dean still showers, fully dressed Castiel roams through the bunker and finds Sam, who too is already awake. His face reddens and he asks himself if he should avoid him. Sam is a wise man, he'll look at him and sense what Dean and he did last night. But before he can get away, Sam sees him and says „Good morning, brother-in-law. Guess you didn't sleep much?“  
  
Cas gets nervous, evaluates how clairaudient Deans room is – wasn't there a grid at the lower part of the door? Helplessly he searches for the right response and finds none. „Sam, that's … erm ...“  
„Because angels don't sleep, right?“ Sam smirks und gives him a look.  
Cas sighs and sits down as Sam pats on one of the chairs and asks „How's it going? But spare me the … details.“ Cas is hushed, tries to look everywhere but not to Sam.  
„Hey … look, I really want you to be happy. And like I already said, I'm happy for you. But I know Dean all my life and know he is not the easiest with feelings. I guess you noticed.“ He is typing something into his laptop, once in a while looks to Cas, who finally sighs and relaxes.  
„Thank you, Sam. It's … good. It's going very well, I think.“ Cas says slowly.  
Sam pauses, looks to him.  
„Better than I would have hoped.“  
Sam smiles and says simply „Good. That's good, man. You deserve it. You both.“  
They look silently at each other, smiling until Cas asks „What are you doing?“  
„Searching for jobs.“  
„Jobs? Wouldn't you like to resume your studies at Stanford?“  
„Yeah, studying is the long term plan, but for that you need money. So until then I do some research for scholarships or programs. Worst case scenario is working till I got the money.“  
  
Cas nods, reality hits. „But“, says Cas, „can't you sell some of the less dangerous artifacts from the bunker?“  
Sam looks around him. The books, the weapons, the gadgets. The idea really didn't cross his mind. Even if he was incredibly happy that there are no monsters and he could go on with life, he really didn't believe that all this around them was essentially not needed anymore.  
„Huh“, he simply says. „Well … I'm not sure if were stealing from the Men of Letters, but without monsters!? Maybe you're right. Guess I'll talk to Dean about it. Speaking of ...“  
Dean enters thewar room, walking light-fooded, exclaiming with untamable joy „Look who I got here. The two people in the world I love most“ with a goofy, wide grin on his face.  
„Now I just need bacon and the day couldn't be more peachy.“  
Sam looks to Cas, frowning and just dryly stating „So you really had sex, hm?“ And Cas instantly blushes and looks away.

\--

After Eileen got up, the four of them exchange plans for the day at the kitchen table. Everyone seems to be sure that it's still time for vacation and the serious life planning can wait. Cas frowns a bit looking to Sam, knowing that he already is a step ahead and wondering why he isn't saying anything. Sam and Eileen announce that they will go city hopping by train and will be away for at least four days, maybe even longer.  
Dean asks Cas „What would you like to do?“  
Cas thinks, frowning. „Hiking.“  
„Hiking?“  
„Hiking“ he nods.  
„But hiking is boring.“  
„Oh oh, trouble in paradise.“ says Sam and Dean gives him a look.  
„You know what - you want to go hiking, we go hiking!“  
„But not in that outfit, Castiel. You need a make over.“ says Eileen while gesturing.  
Cas gestures something in ASL, neither Sam or Dean can understand, but he shakes his head constantly and Eileen giggles. „Yes, you do. Tell him!“  
„Seriously Cas, you cannot go hiking like that“ says Sam.  
Deans smiles cheerfully at him. „Yeah, why not!? We have so many clothes for digsuises here – really, pick something you feel comfortable in. But … something not so disguise-y.“  
Cas looks down at his trenchcoat, wanted to say „But I feel comfortable in this“, but then gets second thoughts. „Maybe you're right.“  
  
They agree on Sam showing him the clothes stash and Dean and Eileen on getting the kitchen ready. They can still hear them and how Eileen asks Dean about how's it going with Cas and Dean responding „A gentleman enjoys and keeps silent.“  
„So you really had sex!?“ Eileen exclaims, giggles and Cas and Sam in the corridor frown and don't dare to look at each other. Until Cas asks him why he wasn't saying anything about college.  
„Well – it's hard for Dean I think. He only knows the hunter life. Jobs, money, this new reality will hit him like a brick wall. It already did, you noticed?“  
„Yes, I did. But sooner or later … .“  
„Yes, but, let's give him some more days. Let him enjoy his peachy mood and stuff, okay?“  
„Yes. Right.“  
Cas chooses some dark blue jeans, grey sweater and a black outdoor cargo jacket.  
As he enters the kitchen to look for Dean, he grins as soon as he sees Cas.  
„Looking good. Suits you, handsome.“ And after that they agree on googling a hiking trail, wish the other couple a pleasent vacation and start the day.

\--

During the drive Cas hands wander over his woolen sweater. While feeling the fabric, he says quietly „It's nice.“ Dean gets some strange expression that life somehow maybe just started for Cas, even if he already was human for a while. And even if he certainly has been living for a while with them. With him.  
  
They take the impala to a rest area with parking lot near the starting point of the hiking trail. It's already autumn and leaves rustle over the paths. They decided for a trail that starts in a forrest near Lebanon, followed by a small mountain with not much difference in altitude, but maybe enough to get a glimpse of the landscape. Between brown and green foliage are already bright yellow leaves tumbling silently down. It's a workday and they are relatively alone on the trail. They walk next to each other through the forest. Cas asks Dean what his ideal vacation would be and how he plans to spend the next days. Deans admits to be less sightseeing hungry than Sam and Eileen. For him it would be okay to drive a bit around in the Impala, watch a lot of Netflix and eat good stuff. „And have sex with my boyfriend of course. Especially when Sam and Eileen are not around.“ he adds smirking and makes Cas blush and laugh.  
  
„Is that what we are? Boyfriends?“ asks Cas.  
„Nah. Sounds childish, right?“  
„Lovers?“ asks Cas and stops as the sun breaks through the foliage and throws bright spots around them. Dean turns to him and they face each other. „Yeah. Sounds right.“  
„You look happy.“  
„I am happy. And you?“  
Cas nods. „And … yesterday that was … okay?“  
„It was super okay.“ Dean responds frowning and looking around to check if they are allone.  
  
„I mean … you and I were a bit … nervous, but it was different than everything I had before.“  
Cas gives him an uneasy, worried look.  
„What I want to say … it felt good, really good, but it was more ..., well you know what I mean, don't you?“  
Cas clearly doesn't and his face darkens a bit in disappointment.  
Dean starts to panic, seeing that somehow he lost Cas metaphorically and added „It felt awesome and it was the most meaningful sex I probably ever had and I want to do it again with you till the end of time, o-kaaay?“  
At which Cas starts smiling brightly as some old couple passes Dean. While the man seemingly didn't hear anything or pretends to, the woman gives him a curious look, then looks to Cas, then again to Dean, raises her eyebrows and says „Good for the two of you“.  
He obviously didn't notice how much he raised his voice.  
„Ah great“ says Dean, makes an exhausted gesture and Cas laughs. He smacks his lips, looks questioningly at Dean.  
  
„So … forever, Dean?“  
Dean pauses, looks around him and says more dryly than he intended to „Ah, I forgot. You'll probably survive me, hm?“  
That talk wasn't at all what Cas wanted to bring up. He was simply happy Dean came up with „forever“ on his own. And he explains it exactly like this, adding „Forever can be a concept. If you want to. But its' also a long time. Maybe we shouldn't talk about this right now.“  
„What do you mean? It's possible?“  
„Well, things are different now. In heaven. You will like it. I'm sure.“  
„Yeah okay. You know … I recently said some things and did some things I'm not exactly proud of. So … If I get to heaven with a pretty big „if“. Where will you be?“  
„I'll be there.“  
„After I died?“  
„If you want to have me.“  
„For you this is like going home, right? But staying with me forever … does this imply resigning? What exactly would happen?“  
„Well considering official regulations I am resigned and officially dead. But I'm also not dead in the sense of humans being dead.“  
As Cas pauses, Dean mumbles „Well good to know.“  
  
„Things aren't like this anymore. People … entities don't come back. And angels and demons don't belong with the empty anymore. They are judged by their actions similar to humans. For me … i'ts more like I'm tolerated here. Retired. And if you die, then I go back to heaven and proceed with my retirement there. If you want to have me, I'll be with you.“  
„And if not?“ Dean isn't teasing and not challenging, he seriously wants to know.  
Cas gives him a puzzled look. „Then I go to my own heaven, I guess. But I won't set foot on earth again.“  
Dean stops, some twigs cracking under his feed. Silence stretches between them. He sits on a fallen tree and takes a thermos from his bag. Cas sits next to him, worried that the talk about „forever“ was too much, too soon.  
Unbelievingly Dean says „So there really is a forever for us, huh?“  
Cas nods and doesn't dare to say „if you want to“ again, because he already did and fears the answer as he fears the lack thereof.  
  
Dean takes a sip of his coffee, looks absorded in his thoughts at the falling, dying leaves. At life ending. At things changing. At the years they spent next to each other with so much baggage. Arguing, blame, guilt, remorse. So much unrequited and unspoken words. The scent of coffee spreads and as he finally looks at Cas, Dean nearly sees his heart break as he clearly still is waiting for an answer.  
  
„Look … forever is long. I know I said forever myself just a minute ago. And I mean it. But don't expect to much of me. You know me. I … I wasn't treating you always right. And later … you know. If I'm coming from work to meet you in our beautiful small house and I'm annoyed by my coworkers and the homework I have to do for evening school; I'll be a douchebag. For sure. I may take my frustration out on you and you will start hating me and then forever is no concept anymore and you maybe stop liking me and don't give me puppy-eyes anymore. Even a lifetime can be long.“  
  
That notion is completely different from what he expected.  
Cas frowns, clears his throat and says „And you won't think anymore that my mannerisms are cute. What was once funny or nice may starts to annoy and distress you. It's years. I'm living under humans for years. A decade. I know that relationships change. And I guess that happens especially when you don't have to fear each others death every week because of some near-apocalyptical event. I just like to think it's possible. I'm sorry I shouldn't have brought that up. You were joking and it's okay.“  
Dean gives him a serious look.  
„No, I wasn't. I'll _take_ forever. Forever _it is_.“ he says self-confident.  
„But I can be a dick. Just so you know.“  
Much to his surprise Cas says „I know“ and tilts his head as if he wants to challenge Dean.  
Deans eyes widen, „Wow.“  
„I'm joking.“  
„Ha, yeah. And how do you know I think you are cute?“  
Cas looks at him softly, shrugs, smiles undefinably. „Angel qualities.“  
To which Deans grins, takes another sip from his coffee and offers Cas the thermos who shakes his head.  
„So then it's forever“ says Dean silent and stops himself from putting his hand on Cas', because it already feels too corny for him. But he cannot prevent himself from looking at Cas expecting, no wanting, to see him happy. And his happy face is a drug he likes to get high on.  
„Happy?“ asks Dean and smiles.  
„Very.“  
  
Castiel smells the coffee, happiness and the strange smoky scent of autumn days.  
„Want a sandwich?“  
„You made me a sandwich?“  
„I made you three.“ Dean holds his palm up, showing three fingers.  
Cas is too puzzled to respond anything. „Here you got PB&J, I don't know what else you like. Or liked. What do you like?“ he asks.  
  
The two of them dissect what Castiel tastes and likes to eat, what tastes more like molecules and they look at the landscape. It's silent, they nearly just hear leaves rustling, falling and wind rushing through the foliage. As they eat, Deans looks around and says „You know … all those happy hikers and campers are now safe from werewolves and stuff.“  
„They are. And they have been, because of hunters. Well, relatively safe.“ says Cas.  
„Wewatiffly.“ („Relatively.“) says Dean with his mouth full. And after a pause he swallows and adds „You know you changed me, too.“  
Cas looks at him, soft, yet frowning.  
„I wanted to kill him.“  
„Chuck?“  
„I wanted to kill him so badly. He even looked at me and told me so.“  
„But you didn't.“  
„But I didn't.“  
Cas nods.

\--

As they resume on the trail, Cas asks him about evening school and Dean shares his plans to catch up on school certificates. He never thought about this kind of future. Sitting on a beach with Sam and Cas in matching hawaiian shirts was more a wish. He shares the picture with Cas, who asks what a hawaiian shirt is and makes Dean snort.  
  
They go on, have to climb over some rocks and fallen trees till they reach the highest point. They enjoy the view, make plans what to do before Deans starts with what he calls „the application-writing-shitshow“. Dean promises to cook and make „a whole buffet of the good stuff“ to find out what Cas can eat and what not.  
  
They plan to hit the city, to take a roadtrip with the impala and to visit Bobbys place, Rufus cabin or what's left of it.  
Dean finally gets a taste for vacation and says „Let's go for a swim some day. Can you swim?“ to which Cas nods „I believe so … I'm not sure“.  
After which Dean mumbles „Ok well … it's already autumn, then this will be next summer then.“  
As if somebody lights a candle, warmth radiates in Cas' chest. That's how he feels hearing that Dean has plans for the two of them nearly a year in advance. Talking about forever is nice, but feeling years, having plans, is different.  
They plan to visit Jody and Donna and bring them the good news of the end of monsters. But first they drive back to the bunker and just want to be lazy. Dean would never admit it, but he was tired after their hiking trip. That hiking and even the shared silence with Cas was fun he wouldn't admit either.

\--

As they enter the bunker Dean looks at his dirty jeans and hands and decides to take a shower. He looks at Cas, who's the same and asks with a challenging expression „Wanna join?“  
„The shower?“ asks Cas surprised. Dean nods.  
Cas looks at him, short pause, then „Yes.“  
Dean gives him an appreciating look and gets a bit excited.

\--

First Dean jokes around and asks Cas how it was when he first showered as a human. To which Cas states more dryly he would like to not think about that.  
Instead he just says he did very much things in a „strange fashion“ and noticed mostly when it's to late. As Dean tries to imagine how someone could shower „in a strange fashion“, Cas turns on the water and seemingly enjoys it raining down on him.  
  
Steam spreads in the shower cubicle and wraps them in a moist haze, blurring their view. As if time stood still Dean observes how the water runs down at Cas skin, his biceps, his chest, his throat, his stomach, his crotch. How his hair slowly gets wet. His eyes wander over his body, a body he knew for a decade now, however saw it it's full naked glory just yesterday. A body that wasn't Castiels and was at the same time. As Cas' hands go through his dark hair, he looks at him, reminds him that he was the one that wanted to shower and wipes water from his eyes.  
  
Dean swallows and joins him. As the water runs over their bodies, they kiss and he gently touches Cas biceps, just with his fingertips. Surprisingly Cas foams some shower gel in his hands and presses it on Deans naked chest and starts soap him. Dean looks astonished and freezes. Better than porn is when it really happens.  
„I have to proof to you that I know how to take a shower properly“ Dean smiles over the extremely serious look on Cas face and just says „Mhm. You better do.“ 

Their hands and the foam glide over their necks, torsos, their chests and loins.  
Cas looks deeply concetrated as his thumbs run over Deans nipples, and as Deans cock is hard and looks even longer and bigger under the warm water he observes him, saying „You are … you're something. Today.“  
The sentence remains unanswered and uncommented.  
Cas doesn't seem to be in a mood to plot witty words, instead he is absorbed by what they were doing. For a second Dean wants to add „What changed?“, but just lets it happen and enjoys.  
  
Cas' new-found self-confidence arouses him.  
As Cas is hard too, they turn the water on again and rinse the foam away. Small drops rest on their skin, overall their body, like they are impenetrable for it. Cas fingertips wander over Deans shoulder, through small crystal clear water drops, leaving wet traces. They wander to his throat, which he kisses, then his mouth.  
Dean adds in, they kiss hungryly, nearly violently and suddenly Cas presses Dean against the shower cabins tiled wall.  
„Woah“ escapes Deans mouth as he sees Cas going on to his knees.  
  
„Oh my god, it's happening“. Dean isn't sure if he said it loud or if it was only in his head.  
Just the thought of Cas' lips closing around his cock arouses him. Then he feels it. He exhales as it happens and holds his breath. Castiels lips, the warmth, his tongue, the motions make his knees feel weak. It feels perfect.  
His fingers wander through Cas' dark hair. He does all the good stuff. All that Dean did to him yesterday and more. As if it's forbidden he just takes glimpses at Cas in front of him and how he caresses, licks and sucks. The sounds of Cas mouth are driving him crazy, adding to the arousel. To hold it a bit longer he has to close his eyes, tilt his head back agains the cool, tiled wall or watches the ceiling.  
  
He is so close. Inhale, exhale, he cannot hold it any longer and warns Cas shortly before everything explodes in front of his eyes.  
He throbs, shivers and hears Cas coughing. Cas stands up, leans against him and the tiled wall, kisses his temples and looks at him curiously, while he is still throbbing, exhaling and embarassed to be watched so closely.  
Dean draws him closer and puts some kisses at the delicate place under Cas' ear, at his throat and rests his head against Cas.  
  
„Since when are you so sassy?“ asks Dean after some minutes of silence.  
Cas just looks at him in a way Dean cannot fathom, nor interpret: nearly expressionless and with a small hint of a soft smile.  
As Dean looks down at Cas, he states disappointed „You should have done something for you too. Let me ...“  
But Cas draws away smiling, says it's okay and steps under the water again, which is set to cold and lets it rinse in his opened mouth and over his body.  
Dean shivers as a cold breeze billows near him. He slowly steps over to Cas, turns the warm water on and joins him.  
„Well ...“  
„Well?“ Cas asks.  
„Let's continue in my room?“

\--

Dean crawls over Cas in his shorts and crashes on him. His arms entwined on Cas naked chest, he asks „Too heavy?“  
Cas smiles at him, carresses his loins and brushes through his short hair, while he slowy shakes his head „No.“ It's as if they are now empty from talking this whole day.  
Longing and expectation lingers between them. Deans breath tickles at Cas skin, while Dean hears Cas' heartbeat.  
He outstretches and embraces him, they kiss, gently and slowly. He whispers in Cas ear that he waited for this all the way back to the bunker.  
„Is it too much?“ he asks. „Yesterday. Today. Under the shower.“  
Case shakes his head again. He doesn't look pissed or sad or nervous.  
„You're a bit silent since we are back. What's on your mind?“  
He hated it, when someone asked him what's on his mind. The idea, that someone wants to look into his head, he resents it. He liked to keep his thoughts to himself, most of all his feelings. Now he could understand „What's on you mind“ very well.  
Cas smiles shyly, looks at him, not blinking, exhales and smacks his lips.  
  
„What? What is it? Spit it out!“  
„Erm … .“ Cas brushes with one hand over his mouth (there it is again!) and blushes.  
„Oh come on. Was it awful? Under the shower? Is it too much!? We can take a break and cuddle and stuff. Do you want do break up with me? Tell me! I'm getting nervous here.“  
„Nooo!“ Cas exclaims and laughs as Dean finished his flood of words. For Cas it's nice to see Dean insecure for a change.  
  
„I just wanted to ask you … .“ And he looks away again like he is searching for help and restlessly exhales.  
„What do you want?“  
„I'd like to do to you what you did to me yesterday.“  
„Oh“ Dean thinks and says „Buuut you did just minutes ago.“ Raises his eyebrows, smiles nervously, knowing exactly what Cas wants to say, but had no idea that this would be what Cas wants. On the other hand why wouldn't he?  
„I mean the other thing.“  
Dean nods, „Oh, the other thing.“  
„Penetration, yes.“ Cas nods too, looks seriously, then breaks and smiles. Dean just thinks „He's playing with me. He learns fast.“  
„I knew you wouldn't like that.“ adds Cas at Deans hesitation.  
„N...no. No! I … are you sure you want that?“  
„Well, just if you … want it too. All the other things we did are nice too. And … as I said yesterday I have never done that … . But … I … .“ He hesitates.  
„I want you. I can't explain why it has to be this. We don't need to do it this way, if you don't want to. Of course not.“ He licks his lips and Dean is somehow aroused, snubbed and curious. In sum a feeling he cannot describe. Something between love, lust, insecurity, fear and simple lewdness. It's all. Though he never imagined himself as the receiving part, he somehow likes this notion of Cas and likes to see what happens.  
He lowers to Cas under him and whispers in his ear „So then fuck me.“  
At which Cas looks shyly down, smiles and exhales.

\--

They start with a shy kiss, teasing each other just with their lower lips.  
Tongues get into play. They get on their knees and touch each other while getting lost of their shorts.  
The longer they touch, the heavier they are breathing. It's like something has ignited them.  
  
They get faster. They nearly kiss as if they would like to bite and eat each other alive. Even their teeth meet painfully and with a hurting sound.  
They part as Dean holds his jaw. „Oh boy.“ Dean exhales. „I hadn't this for a long while. Maybe never. Isn't lust a sin, angel?“  
Cas looks at him, he still is breathing hard. And he is hard.  
Is it just the dimmed light or are Cas' pupils looking dilated?  
Still silent, he just gazes at Dean, who suddenly feels like prey.  
He underestimated him.  
„So?“  
„Not if it's done with love, I guess.“ Cas comes closer, kisses him and whispers in his ears to close his eyes.  
Dean obeys, he lets him have it exactly as he wants it.  
And he feels that Cas positions behind him and thinks „So that's how you want it.“ 

First Cas embraces him from behind and kisses his neck, touches him with his lips, caresses Deans chest with his arms – but much pressure.  
He strokes firmly over his throat, chest, abs. Slowly Dean understands. Cas took all away that usually arouses and comforts him. Cas blue eyes, his voice, their eyefucking, the sight of Cas. But his motions and strokes feels priceless, firm, yet good.  
Dean gets hard too.  
His skin prickles where Cas touches him and where he feels his breath.  
He wants to play by Cas' rules, but he also wants to challenge him and savor the mood.  
An amount of attraction and lust he wouldn't have hoped for just days ago seems to be between them, one could nearly taste or smell it in the air around them.  
So he takes one of Cas' hands and sucks at his fingers, licks them, takes them in his mouth.  
For a second he feels silly and it remembers him of women doing that in porn. Now here he is. So he's going to get fucked tonight.  
As if Cas understands he pulls his hand away from Dean and searches for his entrance.  
He puts a finger at it, slowly and carefully moves in. Dean doesn't enjoy it, but also doesn't dislike it.  
It's embarassing and he is suddenly glad that Cas isn't looking at him. He tilts his head back against Cas for a moment, just to feel him so close again before the next step awaits. Then he leans onward against the wall of his bed-head.

He feels Cas gripping his hips, butt cheeks and hears their weight shifting on the mattress.  
Then feels a larger pressure against his entrance. That's it. It's like Cas cock is pressing against a wall of flesh. His flesh. Like there is nothing he could fit in. He feels him slide in, but has no relation of how deep.  
  
He overthinks, he is tense, embarassed, his arousel fades.  
„Should I stop?“ asks Cas carefully, feeling and seeing how tight Dean is.  
His back and neck muscles are a tense, wiry, net, hard as stone. Cas pauses and caresses him with one hand before he starts stroking his nearly not anymore hard cock, gripping Deans hips just with one hand.  
Dean shakes his head. „Sure?“  
„Yes, sure.“  
„Ok … tell me to stop, when you feel like it. Or .. try to relax. Remember?“  
Cas caresses Dean, leans over as far as he can and kisses Deans back.  
Dean feels silly, says to himself „just relax now, come on.“  
  
Castiel caresses his side, which tickles and finally Dean relaxes.  
Cas slides carefully and slowly deeper into him.  
That's when Dean finally is able to notice the nerves firing, the ants in his chest and stomach rising.  
Cas hand around his cock working, the caressing, the kisses, the warmth of Cas body, the sound of skin on skin, Cas head against his back, his careful hands, loving and desiring. Dean moans much to Cas relief.  
He whispers „Go deeper. Do it. Do it to me.“  
And Cas does and pushes into him. Slightly faster, deeper, back and forth. Dean feels the physical arousel, the hard, warm organ in him, pumping and pushing, feels Cas hands, firm grip – one on his hip, the other at his hard cock, his thoughts are melting.  
  
It overwhelms him, he cannot fathom anymore if they are still two or already one or something in between. No sound escapes Cas. Just the skin on skin, jerking and breathing in effort. He wishes he could see Cas' face. He imagines it instead like he saw him yesterday, mouth opened a bit, his lips, his eyes closed and suddenly starts shivering. „I'm going to come.“ And then Cas finally moans and he feels his body close to him, shivers as if electricity flows through him.  
  
Cas pulls out and they come together, while he embraces Dean from behind. They crash on the mattress as Dean turns to Cas and they try to kiss as they are still shivering and in result are more breathing against each other. Dean slides down a bit on Cas sweating chest and grips him tight, somehow overwhelmed, somehow he wants to get closer to him, but is already as close as it's possible. He presses against Cas chest, smells his skin and sweat, hears his heart beating fast, and feels like he want back. Back to that moment in which they were one. As their breathing is more steady and silent, Cas brushes through Deans wet hair till he finally looks at him.  
  
„Did I hurt you?“ asks Cas.  
„No.“ He hesitates. „Maybe it hurt a bit, but it was a good pain.“  
Cas looks worried. „Really?“  
Dean slides up and rests his head next to Cas', so that their eyes meet. He intertwines his legs in Cas. „I won't lie, I like it better when you let me fuck you.“ He says. Then his scam breaks and he has to laugh. Cas doesn't understand and looks puzzled, slightly smiling. „What? Was it bad??“  
„Of course it was good. Very.“  
„At the beginning I noticed that you didn't like it at all.“  
„Well … I didn't. The first minutes I though 'What did I get myself into'. But then it was really good. You were awesome. I never saw you like this … you know.“ he paused. „Wanting. Longing. This much. I mean … you were seducing, but you know that, right?“  
Time stops, he feels slowing down, Cas gaze swallows him whole. He feels devoured. And on his skin still seems to linger the pressure of Cas' grip like a phatom pain, that hurts so good. „I like that.“ He swallows. „A lot.“ Cas doesn't even blink. Finally he breaks and grins.  
„How was it for you? Say something! You wanted it!“ Dean asks and smirks.  
„It was incredible. I somehow lost myself for some seconds. Completely. It was like I exploded and were framed again just a second after.“ Cas says and exhales. They simply look at each other. Overwhelmed and tired from devotion, finally at ease. Till Dean breaks the silence and says „even steven“. He puts an arm around Cas and whispers close to his ear „I love you“ to which Cas responds „I love you too.“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like the update. :) I'd be happy to talk to you in the comment section.


	4. Craving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> „Look …“ Dean goes on, „if you are not hurt, unwell, feel like I'm taking advantage of you … if you liked it, just enjoy it. I do. It's okay. It took us a while to get here. Who judges us?“

Dean sleeps, Cas rests. They get up. They look at each other, kiss, sleep with each other, repeat. It's like they fell in a loophole, intoxicated and hidden from the world. As they fuck and fuck again, Dean sometimes goes back to reality in between, checks the time and asks himself if Sam is already back. Wouldn't that be awkward - he for sure would hear them in the corridor. What day is it even? Doesn't matter.  
  
They taste the frenzy as long as it's there. He would have never thought that Cas could be so passionate. He rides on Deans lap, Dean deep inside him and still trying to move in deeper, jolting with his hips even more and causing Cas to exclaim and moan. Most of the things they done, they done the first time together and the beginning was always a bit awkward, but they didn't even comment. Too much in a frenzy they didn't talk much. Just their eyes were still locked at each other with lust and love instead of regret or shame. They saw all of each other even if it sometimes felt surreal comparing to where they've been just days before were it sometimes seems too much to even stand the other mans gaze.

The sight of Cas on him overwhelms Dean. Mouth opened just a bit, moaning, smacking his lips, riding up and down, his chest and stomach raising and lowering under heavy breathing. How often did he have him? Watched him? Made him come? He wants him even more with every time. Exhausted and aroused they are not really capable to talk much in between nor meanwhile next to a bit dirty talk, „I love you“ or „I want you“.  
  
Dean strokes Cas and as they come, he draws him close. His face on Cas' chest, smelling his scent from fesh air, strangely present even now that they probably were in this room for hours. He embraces Cas, who is still on his lap, draws him close to his body and Cas brushes gently through his short hair. Then they rest, Dean sleeps, they get up, kiss, they repeat.  
  
Dean never felt like this. He never had this intense, intimate moments with anyone. This must be ecstasy and he doesn't want it to end. Everytime he looks at him, exhausted after sex and with loving eyes, he feels unconditionally loved. Had he ever tasted it? He doesn't want it to end. What's burning in his chest is love. As well as the burning wish to keep what they have, to make it last, linger, to make up for so much lost time. Does Cas feel the same? Dean looks at him and asks „Are you okay?“

Cas leans on his chest, studys his face, his blue eyes close to Deans and says „I never felt like this before.“  
„But does it feel good for you?“ Deans expression is gentle, soft, at ease, maybe a bit tired, happy?  
Cas rarely saw him like this in the last decade. But a lot the last days. Cas nods to which Dean reassures „Wanna stop?“  
For a second Cas pauses, then says gently „Not sure. No.“ he shakes his head, smiles and Dean draws him in a kiss.  
Gentle at first, they touch, they kiss, they repeat. What is time? Maybe it stopped.  
After a while they go harder, rougher, it's nearly as if they wrestle on his bed.  
Cas ends up in front of him, spreading his legs, gripping his hips, his erect cock between them, breathing noticeably, licks his lips and looks at Dean as if he is waiting for approval. Dean nods, thinks „what a sight“. Cas has a look on his face somewhere between puzzled and determined much to Deans amusement. He would laugh if he wouldn't feel so exposed.

„What?“ he asks.  
„Figuring“ whispers Cas with concerned face.  
„Figuring out a position?“ Dean laughs and tilts his head back. „Oh, look at us.“  
And as Cas lays one of Deans legs over his shoulders and again seemingly looks at Dean for approval, he just exclaims „Oh god, do it to me already.“  
Slowly and steadyly he pushes into Dean. Both close their eyes in sweet pain. He goes faster and deeper and sees relieved how Dean relaxes and lets it happen. This time he seems to enjoy it and moans Cas name, grabs the bed-head, grabs Cas' bizeps. They don't last long and after that crash next to each other on the mattress. Dean jokes breathless that they get better with every time, they are tired and exhausted, arm in arm, rest, sleep, repeat. 

\--

Dean dozed off. As Cas looks at the ceiling, he gets a strange feeling as if he is looking at himself. He feels different. Is that him? Wanting and wanting. It's unusual to him. He himself feels unusual. He has never been this aware of this body. It's like he could feel _everything_. So much he never felt before. Even if he wasn't touching him, he could feel _Dean_. He doesn't want to step away from it. Just wants to take it in. Isn't it what he wanted? To have Dean. And he wants him so much.  
Since they started to get intimate, „want“ rises in him. He craves. Something he never allowed himself to feel. Unconditional, silent love always seemed to be enough till it wasn't. One-sided love. But it was gnawing at him. To be less for Dean than he is for him. And now he finds himself here doing all _that_. Wanting all _that_. And he looks at Dean, sleeping peacefully. Desire. This too is a facet of love. Feeling good, exploring all he hid for so long, this wouldn't be a sin, would it? He said to Dean „As long as it's done with love.“ That's true isn't it? And just because he experiences feelings he never had, doesn't mean that this is „bad“. Change always is alarming, unsettling, but change doesn't mean that he stops being himself. Or would it?

Like an answer he hears Dean mumble his name in his sleep as he turns over to him and lays an arm around Cas. Suddenly their faces are close to each other, nearly nose to nose. He studys Deans face. The twitching eyes, eyelashes, freckles, the stubble around his mouth. Years of frowning and too much trouble left wrinkles on his forehead. Wrinkles, that weren't there when he raised him from hell and reframed his broken shell. He's getting older. While I always felt young and unknowing next to him, thinks Cas. He presses a kiss on his cheek careful enough, so that Dean wouldn't wake up.  
  
This time he slept hours and woke up because of cramps in his calf. He stretches, looks at Cas, who slowly opens his eyes like he was miles away. Deans stomach rumbles and he is incredibly thirsty.  
  
„Good morning or whatever time it is, sunshine.“ he says. „Boy, I'm so thirsty. And my calves … aaah.“  
Dean lays on Cas chest, exhausted, destroyed, stretching is legs.  
„I could make it stop, but it will just stay fixed for a short while. You're dehydrated – you have to get up and drink. Really.“  
Dean looks at him. „Yeah, well … in a minute.“ And then exhales „My god. That was good. Yesterday. Today. I don't know how long we are here.“  
„Today is alreay tomorrow. Yesterday we were hiking. It's about noon.“ he says and carresses Deans back. His fingertips go up and down from Deans neck to his loins.  
„But it was great, wasn't it?“ asks Dean. „You good? How are you feeling?“  
„I'm good. But yes … it … it was much.“  
Dean frowns. „Oh well, don't be too excited.“ he says with dry, raspy voice. „Is something wrong? I thought you liked it. I mean … all of it. You have to tell me if not.“  
„I'm a bit embarressed of myself.“  
„What? Whyyy?“ asks Dean, getting up to meet Cas face.  
„I don't know … I … don't know myself like this.“  
„Horny?“ asks Dean blatant, grinning, suddenly more awake.  
„If you want to call it like that ...“  
„Aw … . You're cute you know that?“ says Dean and Cas instantly blushes. „Wait here. Don't move. And try to ... stop … thinking.“  
Dean gets slowly up, puts his shorts on, not ready for witty words, but he'll get there.  
  
Half-naked he hobbles with cramps in the kitchen, comes back with a bottle of water and downs half of it, exhales loudly and says out of breath „So, now. Tell me.“  
„Tell you what?“  
„What's wrong? Come on. I may had no coffee yet, don't expect too much, but I'm ready darling, give it to me.“  
Cas looks down, silent. As he wouldn't speak, Dean slowly crawls to him on the bed, still exhausted and feeling at least ten years older as he actually is.  
„If you weren't enjoying any of it, why didn't you tell? You know you have to tell me.“  
„I did. I enjoyed it. So much I'm scared.“  
„Scared of me???“ Shock bursts out in Deans voice.  
„Scared of myself.“  
„Nonono. Really. Don't be. Why? This is good. It's … good … to … feel good.“  
„I don't know myself like this.“  
„Cas … I never had something like this with anyone. It was a frenzy, a fuck-fest, but it was also meaningful. I believe that. It wasn't just nameless faceless shit, man. I know it's not charming, but I've been there, I had that - insignificant shit I mean. And you were awesome. And I love you. Okay?“  
Cas looks still worried.  
Dean gets closer, cups his face with his hands and something in him hurts. It's as if his heart is breaking if Cas could regret what they done. Regret what felt like pure bliss for him.  
  
„Look …“ Dean goes on, „if you are not hurt, unwell, feel like I'm taking advantage of you … if you liked it, just enjoy it. I do. It's okay. It took us a while to get here. Who judges us?“ Dean leans over him, face over face. „I'd like to believe we deserved that.“  
Cas nods. And as Dean kisses him and he sees the pure belief in his expression, he somehow finds back to him and to himself.  
„You're right.“  
„Of course I'm right! Man, it was sooo good and I'm feeling so old right now.“ Cas laughs as Dean rolls over, calves still twitching and exclaiming.  
„If I knew all these years that you are so good in bed … we could have such a good time. What a shame.“ and looks up at Cas, who blushes to a significant extent.

\--

Dean offered Cas the rest of the water, who declined and then downed it himself. They showered and ate a small breakfast, during which they decided afterwards that this will be the day of the „experiment“.  
  
Dean listed all he would cook for Cas and himself and test what doesn't taste like molecules. Cas responded to the menu that it's a lot and he could help him. Dean, still somehow slowed down like he is hung-over, sends him instead on a journey „to take everything from the bunker he likes and make his room look like he actually lives in it.“  
  
At first Cas doesn't understand - what would he need? But then he found some books, a radio with tape deck to listen to Deans mixtape as well as some clothes from the stash, that felt nice. With hesitation he hung the trenchcoat on the coat hook near his bed. It felt odd to see it there. As if he was putting a whole life away. Jimmys life!? He felt like he owed it to him to keep it as a token even if it isn't Jimmys trenchcoat anymore. The original one was ripped to pieces a long time ago. But would it really need a trenchcoat to commemorate Jimmys sacrifice? For the first time after over ten years he felt sincere peace and belief that the best he could do is to remember and simply to live to celebrate all that has been given to him. Including Jimmys sacrifice.

Absorbed in his thoughts he sat at the desk in the library and his fingertips wandered over their initials and his name on the table. His doubts and regret were gone. And when he thought of their nearly full day in bed he cannot stop smiling.  
  
After a while he joins Dean in the kitchen and observes him cooking. Dean is in an impossible happy mood, but looks incredibly tired. He lets him cut some cheese and onions and jokes.  
Making Cas blush is his new fetish and he teases him „Dude, you did it so good to me, my knees are still weak.“  
Cas gives him a challenging look. „How old is your vessel by the way, Cas? At a certain age you don't blush anymore, you know?“  
Dean frowns trying to look super seriously, but looses it and grins offensively while Cas alternates somewhere between smiling, blushing, rolling his eyes.  
„I have a knife and I can handle that very well, you know that, Dean?“

It's served: eggs and bacon. Burger. Pancakes. Pasta. Vegetables splices with cream cheese. And so much more. It was fun to watch for Dean. Observing how hesitantly and carefully Cas puts small bits of food in his mouth while Dean devoured it as if he wasn't eating for days. It was very soon very clear, that the less food is processed, the less it tasted of molecules, because Cas found himself eating raw carrots and other vegetable slices and some fruit. Dean made some fun about that and said that if Cas turns out to be a clean eater, they would have their first banter as a couple. To which Cas responded, that they already had their share of banters.  
  
They had a long talk about everything that Cas liked and disliked about being human and Dean tried to tease out of Cas how different sex was compared to his time as a human. Cas just admitted dryly that he hasn't so much to compare to from when he was human and as far as he remembers that he just feels _more_ now.  
„More? More like what? Every drop of sweat on our skin?“  
„More like your heartbeat. And ...“  
„And?“  
„When you're close. Close to … you know. And when you don't like something. And I can smell if you are getting aroused.“  
„Hm. That's handy.“ Dean looks impressed.  
  
He tries to get out of him how arousel smells, but Cas smiles and just shakes his head. That he's going to keep to himself and enjoy how it will drive Dean crazy not to know.  
As they sat there and were joking, their hearts were overflowing. With the feeling to be finally home. To have made it. They sat in the kitchen, retelling storys from the past with their point of view, throwing some soft gazes at each other, observing the other mans reaction. 

Dean told him how he felt when Cass was offed by Lucifer the night Jack was born.  
That he prayed, how desperate he felt. He kept for himself how he thrashed the door of the diner.  
Cas tells him how he slowly recognized how much he felt for Dean. Especially when Dean told him that he is family or his best friend, he started to feel disappointed contrary to what he thought he should feel.  
  
They talked for a while. As Dean looks at Cas, he notices how comfortable he seems to be. How at ease. His whole posture changed, is more relaxed. In Jeans and a dark blue sweater, talking about feelings and his point of view. The longer Dean observes him, his feeling of ease is shifting to sadness. Maybe the high fades as he realizes all the time they lost. Suddenly there was this feeling again. That he messed up.  
  
And he suddenly understands better what troubled Cas. Imagining the concernced looking, taciturn, reliable, stiff Cas from before is now surreal. Cas in his trench. Cas in a fight. Cas next to him. Cas that day in the barn. Cas after his adventure as god. Cas who decided to let Lucifer in. Cas who died and came back. Cas who lost his son and tried to talk to Dean. For years and years, knowing what he felt and dealing with it on his own. He looks different. He is still Cas, but without his trench and after being intimate, something changed. It was was still Cas and yet as if there was someone else sitting in front of him. For the first time he really understood _how_ Cas changed. How much he gave up, evolved and changed himself and his life. For years. Because of Dean. For Dean? Ready to start off new. And what was Dean doing? Suffering because he wouldn't be a hunter anymore. Cas changed for a decade after being „him“ for hundreds, if not thousands of years. This seems to be a lot. Dean fell silent and Cas noticed.  
  
„Dean? Are you okay?“  
„No. I think we have a lot to catch up.“  
Dean suggests a date night and asks him if he would like to go to the cinema together after they tidied the kitchen to which Cas face lightens. They may have a lot of leftovers, but Sam would be pissed if they come home and find an empty fridge, so they decided to go to the supermarket first. Cas in a supermarket was a sight. Dean observed him how he took some apples and smelled them with pleasure, slightly smiling. An older man observed Cas too and told him aggressively he should better buy the apple now.  
„Come on City of Angels, we got all we need.“  
„City of angels?“  
„Yeah … I didn't want to call you Nic Cage or Meg Ryan. So … _City of Angels_. You're cute by the way.“

\--

On the forecourt of the grocery store was some kind of farmer's market with lots of handcrafted goods. Vases, baskets, soap, dishes, even a carpenter put some tables and chairs to display. Cas asks the old man and his wife if it wasn't too hard to bring all the furniture here to which the old man responds that it's not such a big deal, his workshop is behind the area.  
  
As Dean wanders around the furniture, he notices how Cas hands glide over the tabletop. Cas may not be overwhelmingly open with his feelings, but he looks stunned.  
„It's beautiful. I wish I would be able to craft something so beautiful.“  
Dean looks puzzled at the table, then back to Cas. The old man asks playfully „Or maybe buy something so beautiful?“ and winks jokingly.  
Cas negates in a very down-to-earth and friendly way and Dean grins while observing how he talks himself out of the situation.  
Afterwards he circles the furniture with an equally mesmerized look on his face.  
The old man comes over and gives Cas a business card. „My son, call if you want to learn.“  
Cas looks puzzled at him. „Learn?“  
„Carpentry.“ Cas slowly takes the card while the old man goes on.  
„I cannot pay, but it will be nice to have some younger and stronger hands once in a while in the workshop. And if you're so enthusiastic … maybe you want to learn?“

\--

As they drive their groceries back to the bunker, Cas hypnotizes the card. Dean asks him what he thinks about that.  
„I don't know yet. I never thought about creating something. For me creation was always something God does.“  
„But … you created spells, plans, ideas. Or not?“  
„Yes … maybe.“  
„Seems to be a nice fella. Gramps.“  
  
Dean couldn't shake the thought how enthusiastic Cas suddenly gets. Maybe still low-key comapred to other people, but for Cas this is real enthusiasm. For even the smallest things. An apple. Craft. He himself was rarely like this. Maybe when it comes to food. When he was a child, he naturally was enthusiastic about everything. But that ended with his mothers death and the hunter life. Too soon trying to be the grown up. But Cas? He skipped being a child and being enthuastic and discovering and now maybe caught up on that. Maybe it's in our code? In all of us. Seeing the peaceful expression on Cas face and the slight hint of a smile touched him in a place buried deep in his mind. „Will you call him?“  
„I don't know … wouldn't that be bothersome for him? And if I don't earn anything, I wouldn't be of much help for the household I guess.“  
„Which household!? Oh _the_ household. Well … it's not like you need to eat or sleep. I'm just making you eat … . Seriously try it if you want to. Just don't … loose any fingers. If they will grow back, it will be hard to explain.“  
  
„And you?“ asks Cas. Seeing Cas form a life, habits and interests, Dean suddenly feels more motivated to look for a regular job. This is building a life. And his boyfriend is obviously going to be a carpenter. Damn now he has to think about fucking Cas on a massiv dining room table, shaped by his own hands.  
  
„Give me some days and date nights with you and after that I guess I'm ready to find me an old gramps who wants to employ me too“, he grins.

\--

The new normal stays after they arrived at the bunker, put the groceries at their designated place and Dean invades Cas room, looks what he assembled.  
  
On his desk he finds the old mans business card next to a photo of Sam, Dean, Cas and Jack, next to the Led Zepp mixtape, an apple from the grocery store and a book Dean never heard off. Has that been in the bunker the whole time? „Tous les hommes sont mortels“? What is it even? At a coat hanger at the wall hangs his trench, over the chair his blue tie.  
  
It's just so few traces of a „being“, but it somehow looks so „Cas“. And somehow it stings. Especially the tie, the trench. Why did he never encouraged Cas to make himself comfortable here before? Dean thinks he'll definetily get the award for „worst boyfriend“ ever. And before that „worst friend“ ever. A frowning and a sad look spreads in his face. He remembers when he tried to persuade and blackmail death into killing Cas. Cas! How he said to him, that nobody cared that he's broken. It's just that he cared, thinks Dean. But he also starts hinking, that he should have cared more. He's dwelling on his failures.  
  
„Dean?“ Cas appeared behind him in the doorframe.  
„Ah, sorry, I didn't want to invade your room. Just was looking for you. Wanna go to the cinema?“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW: As you may notice in this or the next chapter I have absolutely no idea of carpentry. ^^


	5. Measuring love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are dates, talks about sex in public and apparently Cas is going to be a carpenter. ^^

Dean laughed and smirked and made witty jokes, but Cas felt how tense he was. It's as if a persons muscles, emotions, fear and insecurities could induce a smell. It was invisible, but must be noticed and can be resisted. When he met Dean and started living under humans, he had a hard time to distinguish all these sensible, different emotions, that appeared like nearly indistinguishable shades of _something_.  
  
Humans were always a surprise. Moods changed from second to second. Nearly every word could induce a shift, could hurt. But he was able to read most of Deans pretty soon pretty good. And soon the capability to feel became for him the equivalent of being alive. And humans seemed to be so much more alive than he and all his fellows. And then he was so much more alive than he has ever been.  
  
Just in measuring love he failed. He sensed a sentiment Dean had for him. And as Dean explained it as Castiel being his best friend or like a brother or simply family, Cas though that it sums up. The aura or whatever felt similar to how Dean felt for Sam. But it wasn't the same. Often Cas thought he knew of which shade this sentiment is, but when he observed Dean looking for a companion, flirtations with waitresses or similar flings, it felt different. Now he was pretty sure what Dean felt for him. The sentiment was stronger, like it started blooming to the fullest. What surrounded Dean, when he looked at Cas (in bed, during arguing, before, now) always was of this shade. They could have it. It would just have taken more courage. 

\--

But whenever Dean passed him like this, like he just did after he said „Wanna go for the cinema?“ something wasn't right at all. In situations like this his face would be expressing that everything is fine, but it wasn't. And it was hurting to notice it and sad to notice that he is hiding something for whatever reason.  
  
As Dean still didn't face Cas, when they were sitting in the Impala and driving out of the garage, Cas asks „What's wrong, Dean?“  
„Why? What do you mean?“  
Cas lays a hand on the Impalas radio, then the whole car stops after a bright flash. The battery died.  
„What did you do?“  
„I stopped the car.“  
„Yeah … I know, but – how!? Were you always able to do that?“  
„Not lately, but when we first met I could have done that. And now again.“  
„And why again!?“  
„Something is wrong.“  
„And this is why you grill babys battery?“ Deans fake everything-is-alright-attitude fades and he seems agitated.  
„I didn't grill it – I will charge it again. After you tell me what's wrong.“  
Dean exclaimes. „Great.“  
„So?“  
„That's some mean trick, you know.“ says Dean. He clearly doesn't want to talk and avoids looking at Cas. „I don't have a choice to escape this discussion?“ he asks, muscles in his jaw grinding.  
„Dean, what's wrong? Just tell me.“  
After a pause Dean goes on „Remember earlier today, when we were talking about good old times?“  
„Mhm.“  
„We were just talking about the relatively easy side of it all. Not about the part with sorrow, remorse … or regret.“ Dean exhales frustrated and adds „And shit.“  
„For example when?“  
„For example that time I tried to get you killed when you were playing god. Or generally all the years I ...“ his voice broke. He just looks straight through the front shield, swallows and seemingly isn't able or doesn't want to meet Cas' eyes. The look on his face is stern.  
  
„Is this what you feel? Remorse?“  
„Yes.“ Finally he looks at Cas. Worrying, frowning, disbelieving, gazing without even blinking like that night in the barn. „You think you don't deserve to be saved“ suddenly echoed in Deans head and he imagines himself younger - Cas, younger too. However that happened. And he had to look away as if the fact of over ten years of existing next to each other without opening up was a burden Dean had to shoulder alone. And it was heavy on him.  
„We've been here already.“ said Cas and lays a hand on Deans at the gear shift.  
„It doesn't bother me. We both made mistakes. And we both didn't realize or confess for a long time. That's not just on you.“  
„Yeah but I bother.“  
  
Cas leaned back, exhaled. „What did you mention today? After we got up? 'It took us a while to get here. Who judges us?' What changed?“  
Dean falls silent, Cas leans over and presses a kiss on Deans cheek. Who then breaks a bit, his voice shaky. „You are too good for me. You are forgiving, where it's not forgivable. And you're selfless as ... fuck.“  
„And I have rusty people skills.“  
„No not … not with me. Never with me.“ Dean isn't reading for joking around.  
„Stop dwelling. 'I'd like to believe we deserve that' – remember?“  
Dean looks at him and slowly recovers his countenance, nods and sighs.  
„So ...“ he says. „Cinema?“ asks Cas and Dean nods again. „Would you mind?“  
„Right ...“ and Cas touches the radio again and somehow charges the Impala. Dean tries again, the stuttering forms to babys usual sound and they can drive. 

\--

It takes some time till they can talk as if nothing happened. After they decided for a movie, they stood bored between other couples, that are arguing which film to watch, getting popcorn, standing in line, again with other couples. Dean looks around them and then to Cas.  
  
All these couples around them are what they are to each other. They are Holding hands, kissing, joking, laughing, arm in hand, embracing. What a couple are we? Dean thought. Are we like this? Could we? Should we? Do I want this? Does Cas? He realizes that he never had what someone would call a "normal relationship". Holding hands and all the corny stuff. Maybe with Lisa. That feels like it was ages ago and he wasn't sure if it wasn't simple "pretending". He looks at Cas, who is calmly observing everything. People, movie posters, ads. What does he want? To be on display? Does it matter to me? To be here with a man, holding hands, or kissing in public? Why wasn't I thinking about that before coming here? Somehow he feels clumsy, awkward, stupid. Like it's his first date. The strange thing is - it may really is.

Cas doesn't seem to mind, he was alone with his insecurity. Then he noticed a teller, who curiously looks at them, when they casually stand close next to each other watching the photos Sam and Eileen sent on Deans phone. Suddenly something in him shifts. Maybe they don't need to put it on display. Maybe they just were.  
Dean whispers in Cas ear „I think you have an admirer.“  
To which Cas doesn't even look up and whispers back „I think we both have.“  
Dean looks back to the guy, which starts talking with his female coworker, both glancing back at them. They attract attentation. And are recognized as a couple? Maybe.  
„Good“, he thinks. 

As they sit in the dark of the cinema he asks himself if he should go for the oldschool moves and lay an arm around Cas. That's too stupid. He's a fighting angel soldier being, wouldn't that be awkward? Just as Dean sillily wavers where to put his arm, Cas turns to him, looks questioningly, then just takes Deans palm and they hold hands.  
„Huh. Problem solved.“ thinks Dean as Cas leans over and says „Why … .“ and stops in astonishment, eyes locked to the screen.  
„Why what? Why 'why'?“  
„I don't understand. Why did the wealthy korean couple never recognized the safe room in their house? Do they really never go in the cellar?“  
„Well … they're rich. They don't have to I guess.“  
„Huh.“

\--

They walk out of the movie theatre and everything just feels so casually and normal. A normal couple that is even recognized as one. Cas walks in front of him to the impala while Dean observes his movements. He thinks about last night. How much he underestimated him. His strength. His arms around him, his grip on his skin. Surprisingly less changed now that he shares kisses and bed with a men. Why was he so hesitant before? Cas, the impala, a date night.  
„What kind of ... lovers are we?“  
„What do you mean?“  
„I mean … what would you like? How would like us to be in public?“  
„Dean, I would like not to have sexual intercourse in public. Sexual intercourse is something very intimate and private to me.“  
„Ah, perfect.“ Dean chuckles. „That wasn't what I asked, but I note that. Good to know.“  
„What were you asking then?“  
„Are you disappointed when we don't put us on display?“ Cas didn't seem to understand. „You know … holding hands, kissing in public, all that corny couple stuff for everyone to see."  
„No.“  
„No?“  
„No.“  
„Ah okay. Good talk.“  
  
And after a pause Cas asks „Do you?“  
„Not sure. Well … I have to admit 15 years ago I wasn't seeing myself in a relationship with someone that identifies as male in whatever way.“  
„I'm not sure if I can see it that way. I identified with my non-male vessels as well. I just … am accustomed to it. Suddenly I couldn't imagine having another appearance. Why are you asking? Is it bothering you, that we don't put on display that we are a couple? Is it bothering you that I have a male vessel? Because I thought for a long time that you mind. Me having a male appearance.“  
They are standing next to the impala. Cas' face is framed by a questioning look, head tilted, Dean startled, playing nervously with the keys.  
„No. I … I cannot imagine you as something different. I just … I just don't want you to be disappointed if we don't act like others. I'm not an overtly touchy-feely-guy... .“  
„If that's all, I can live with that.“ Dean sighed relieved to Cas response.  
„But then why?“ asks Cas.  
„Why what? Why 'why'?“ (again)  
„You drew me closer when that teller was watching us.“  
Dean looks at him seriously, nods silently, then smacks his lips „Because you're mine, damn it.“  
After that he furiously opens the door and sits in the impala. Cas laughs, whipes his face, nods, sits too and adds „Yes.“

\--

There was the ticket from cinema at Cas desk. It's starting to pile up. „Life.“ Dean thought and touches the mixtape. He walks over to Cas, who reads on the bed and lays next to him. Cas glances at him, again to the book, again to Dean. In silence they smile at each other, Dean grins, Cas shyly looks down as if he couldn't stand Deans smirking too long.  
„I'm still nervous. Even after yesterday and today. When it's evening and we meet.“ says Cas.  
„And we're maybe going to have sex?“ Dean asks.  
Cas nods. „Well yesterday I didn't notice nervousness“, Dean winks and makes Cas laugh.  
„Me too.“ says Dean then with a rare soft expression. He leans on his arms and kisses him. Gently they tease each other with their upper or lower lip. Dean heads down to Cas throat. As he embraces Cas and rests his head on his chest, he doozes off and Cas just lets him and holds him, his chin burrowed in Deans hair. „Life.“

\--

The days went by. Sam and Eileen came back, maybe even happier as before. They noticed how comfortable Dean and Cas were with around each other and how their behaviour shifted to what could be called „a couples“. The uncertainty that somehow seemed to hover over the two of them and nervous glances disappeared. Maybe they were even too comfortable in certain ways. Dean at least. He welcomed Sam by saying „Sammy, just so that you know - we had sex in every room, in yours twice.“ much to Cas displeasure.  
  
Dean and Cas on the other hand were driving around, visiting Jodie, but seeing Castiel was hard on Claire again. After some further days Sam and Dean had the talk about how life would go on. They decided to „do it right“. No credit card fraught, no shortcuts, the real deal, a normal life, a normal struggle. But they would sell some stuff from the bunker that could be interesting for collectors, but isn't dangerous. Maybe some monster teeth and stuff to make a bit extra money. „Just to get something back from hunter life.“ was Sams view on that subject.  
  
One evening the brothers were sitting in the library, they had a good talk about what they want from life, what they are hoping how life will be and what they plan.  
„You and Eileen?“  
„Yeah … that's it. I really believe she's the one you know. It's working out. You two?“  
„It does.“ Dean nods. „I worried way too much.“ Sam laughs.  
„What?“  
„If I would have told you 15 years ago that you would be with an angel … the real deal.“ as Sam goes on, Dean raises one eyebrow.  
Sam grins at Dean with a conspirational look.  
„What? You wanna know how's it going in bed? You wanna know, I see it. Oh you perv.“  
„Nah.“ Sam shakes his head. „Nah, not really. I always knew it, that you are into cocks too. I just thought you would never muster up enough courage. But if … I hoped it would be for Cas. Sometimes it was very obvious that he would jump into the fire for you. Something would be wrong with life if it wasn't for him. Or with him.“  
„Oh come on, don't be so cool.“ exclaimed Dean.  
And after a moment he added „I thought I'm not made for that.“  
„Relationships? Or love?“ asks Sam and Dean nods with a serious expression on his face.  
„And now?“  
„And now I don't want to mess up. I want to make it right. I want it. I want to keep it.“ Dean takes a sip of his beer. „He's better at this than me, you know. He learned much. He's going to be a carpenter.“  
„A what? No. Really?“ asks Sam surprised. Dean laughs and his soft smile tells Sam a lot.  
Silence stretched as Sam clears his throat. „So … it really works out, huh?“  
„Ah, you perv. To end your suffering, I just let you know were taking turns and ...“  
„Enough!“

\--

Besides Sam wrote lots of applications as a clerk and others like Dean for jobs on construction sites. If Dean could chose he would have liked to work as car mechanic, but no chance without proper training on job. And no training on job without a school certificate or no money to employ one more person, wherever Dean asked. Some jobs were simply off limits because of their not really clean slate. Sam had some more options, but without explaining he started with Dean at a construction site. The first weeks were rough. Even physical. Both noticed that they may get too old for the job. For Dean it was especially hard to be the new guy and listen to orders from someone else. Sometimes the two of them were on the same shift, sometimes not. If not, they were both not very enthusiastic. But they earned good money. 

Cas phoned the carpenter, whose name is Vincent, and started working at the workshop two times a week. When he got bored he went to a shelter for the homeless, doing some voluntary service like handing food or picking up food from the supermarket, that met its expiration date and wouldn't be sold anymore. Dean noticed repeatedly that Cas seemed to be busy and had to „answer some e-mail“. Sometimes he observed him typing mails and stuff really slowly, frowning. After some probing questions and jokes of Dean about „side business“, Cas mentioned, that he lately felt bored to an extent he never knew, when Dean was at work and that he found him a „job that may earns a bunch of money too“.  
  
As he still wouldn't tell them, Sam and Dean expressed suggestions what that job could be.  
„I hope it hasn't to do anything with wing fetishes“ says Dean smirking, Sam on the other hand „I bet he is consulting somehow … maybe people who have trouble to accomodate to the digital age or something!?“  
  
As Cas was fed up with their theories he told them that „there is obviously a market for translations from ancient or dead languages.“  
„Enochian?“ asked Dean.  
„No I tend to keep away from that, it's lots of spells. I don't want to get anyone involved in something they don't understand. More like Old Persian, Crimean Gothic, Gaulish language, Palmyrene Aramaic, and so on. Sometimes it's diaries, sometimes archives. Once it was a recipe.“  
Sam frowned, mouth opened in awe. Dean froze. „Erm … how do they know you are not a fraud?“  
„Well … some test me. Others simply don't trusted me, because I had no 'portfolio' as they call it. But now I have a portfolio and I get more orders. I'm pretty good with computers now. I … well … had time.“ And his gaze looks a bit empty while stating „had time“.  
The brothers looked at each other. „Not bad. You found yourself a market.“ Dean sighed, „He's doing better than us. What's with our skills? We should get us ourselves some jobs were we could hunt and kill things.“  
Cas looked at Dean a bit pitiful. „I want to be part in sustaining the househould.“  
„The hooouusehold, there it is again.“ said Dean, grinning. But he notices the look on Cas face and gets the vibes right. „You know what … I really would like to be taken out for an expensive dinner, darling.“ and winked at Cas.  
„By the way … how much money do you earn?“

When Cas and Dean went to bed this evening, Dean talked about getting a job as a night watchman. It was another idea nearly every evening. A depressing evidence of how much Dean hated his job. He hated sitting in the evenings in the library and do some homework for school. But it would just be three more months and he could take the exam, which would give him a highschool certificate and open some more doors.  
  
Eileen on the other hand started working at a law firm next to finishing her studies. Cas and Eileen seemed most happy with their occupation, Sam too most of the time, Dean not really. He wasn't unhappy, but most of the time, when he came home, he was relatively grumpy and needed some time with Cas to come back to himself. On some days he said to Cas „It's normal, it's good, it's fine.“ But on others he said „My boss is a pain in the ass and it just feels … dunno, pointless. Doing the grunt work for what!?“  
  
Seemingly he fit in. Sam said he was popular with their coworkers and did his job very well. He was joking around with the other fellas at lunch and they seemed to get along well. Maybe he sometimes clashed with his boss, but it wasn't serious.  
At least at weekends he fully relaxed. From time to time he went alone, with Cas or with Sam and exercised a bit in shooting. They had date nights, they even went on vacation. They had their swim. They had christmas. And after a while the job became a necessary labor he didn't complain about much. But whenever they talked about good old times, he had a strange look on his face, that expressed „good old times“ and a notion of „freedom“.

\--

After a while Sam and Eileen planned to move out if Sam would get a place at college. Dean was very silent these days, knowing that their ways would part soon. Those times he laid often next to Cas, on Cas, in a tight embrace with not much talking. Often with his head in that space between Cas chin and collarbone. He felt disoriented and seemingly only found back, when with Cas. He was his morale and most of the time brought his enthusiasm back. „Angel qualities.“

When he had a day off, he visited Cas at Vincents and was amazed to see how he was working at a rocking chair under the instruction of the old man. It was commissioned and Cas was doing well seemingly. As he was planing some wood, Dean observed him, his deeply focused look, his strong arms and careful movements. Dean was sitting in reverse on a chair in Vincents workshop and felt like he could watch him for ages.  
Vincent came over and said „He's a fast learner!“  
„Yeah, he is.“  
Dean was somehow proud of him and the look on Cas' face was a priceless display of modest, pride and happiness as the chair was pieced together and finally really looked like what it's destined to be. Dean was joking, that Cas could make themselves two of that sort, they would need them on their porch if they were as old as Vincent and made the old man laugh. It amazed him to see how fast Cas seemed to adapt to this new life. A domestic life. Work life. He seemed to be busy every day as long as Dean was working and always there, when he came home.

The same day he was still hyped about Cas and saw him with somewhat different eyes when they lay in bed. They were now together for over a year, but he never stopped surprising him. Cas lays on him, they were resting and relaxing. Dean looks down at Cas back, the muscles, his body calm and in a near-sleep-like-state. Dean strokes gently over Cas back. As he rests his hand in Cas neck, he looks up to him and Dean kisses him. Nice and sweet. Then grips him and switched so that he lays on top of Cas and starts kissing him. Wanders down to his throat and gets more passionate. He started biting and sucking him.  
„Dean, what are you doing?“ But he doesn't stop, sucks even more.  
„Dean ...“  
„Don't you see? I'm trying to make a hickey here … at least one.“  
„What? Why?“  
„So that everyone sees you're mine.“  
Cas doesn't really know how to feel about that or how to react, so he just says „But it's healing at once, it wouldn't work.“ He grabs Deans neck and tries to meet his eyes.  
„That's a shame.“ He may had a glass to much after dinner. 

Dean noticed that he is too rough on some days. He wouldn't pay much attention to what Cas tells him and has not much patience. Too often he moves away and does anything even if he knows that Cas was waiting for him. And he always regrets it. And Cas rarely makes fuss about it. He may makes a dry remark now and then, that hit home. And sooner or later Dean would meet him, apologizing or just looking like a little boy that did bad. They tell each other every day that they love each other. They wouldn't make the mistake again to say it too less. Or let a single day pass in which it was left unspoken. Even if they had a bigger fight, they wouldn't miss giving each other this much. And in these moments Deans feels that he is working towards something. And he already has a lot more than he ever imagined.

\--

As Sam was applying for college, they worked already for nearly a year and a half. Dean graduated and they celebrated by giving him a stupid hat and drinking too much. He too started applying for other jobs with not much success. He was still an over fourty year old graduate with no propper training on a job even if there was lots of stuff he would excel at. They all shared that destiny with lots of people, that are trying to build themselves a life after closing doors to a former lifespan.  
  
The money Sam put aside would not even get him through a semester. He applied for scholarships, but was unsure if he would get any. Their cashing-up was not bad, but not good enough. Dean thought about buying a house somewhere. Needn't to be like a model house from „Modern living“, but at least a home with windows. But Cas and he decided to help Sam out first.  
Sam didn't get it and was speechless. „Are you serious? That … that would get me through a semester for sure. I cannot take that!“  
And Dean said annoyed „Oh of course you can, you geek!“  
Though Sam felt like the small brother again and it had a notion he tried to avoid, he couldn't really say no. Dean made him promise, that he would pay back as soon as he is a famous lawyer or something like that.

The day came at which Sam and Eileen moved out. Sam got a place at a college. Scholarships wouldn't work out, but maybe after a first semester if he performed well. He would look for a job and best case would get easier through the next semesters, worst case had to work to afford every further semester. Nevertheless he was happy. As they put their last boxes in the car they rented, Cas told them he had a present for them, which they would have to fetch in the garage. Curiously they went looking for what Dean already knew: a massive dining table Cas made on his own.  
„Cas, that's awesome! It looks … stunning. You did this?“  
Cas nods, looks knowingly at the two of them, when he says „There is even room at the table for visitors“ and he looked at Dean, smiling. And at Eileen while saying „or for, well, children?“ Eileen smiled, obviously Cas knew what she hasn't yet told anyone.  
With a silent nod they agree to let it stay like this for now.  
The brothers embrace and look strangely and speechless at each other. Their shared looks seem to say „It could have gone wrong“ and „good that it didn't“.  
They awkwardly pat each others back, Dean told him to drive safely and as their stoplights disappear out of the bunkers garage door, Dean swallows and looks helplessly to Cas.  
„They get so big so soon.“ Cas puts an arm at Deans back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I guess we could have more adorably strange date-like situations with them on the show. Or we have fanfiction. That's ok too. What would you like to see (or read?) them doing at a date?  
> We're heading towards the end, sigh. :) I'd be happy to read in the comments how and if you liked it so far.


End file.
